I am a clinical counselling psycologist and also a marriage and family therapist. I am currently interested in understanding views and perceptions of what it means to be a second wife with the purpose of helping ladies to achieve greater happines in marriage.
I would like to invite your reactions, comments and experineces if:
1. You are a second wife
2. You are a first wife
3. You are a husband to more than one wife
4. Any other readers who care to share their reactions about this topic
To start the ball rolling, these are some comments with regards to being a second wife:
1. Husband stealer
2. Destroyer of marriage
3. Disrupting love and loyalty in the first family
4. No official recognition
5. Always considered secondary to the first wife
Your responses can be in Bahasa Malaysia or in English. I'd appreciate your oppinions over your judgements. Personal identity is not required and I am more interested in stories rather than the individual. However, follow-up consultation is welcome and may be arranged.
FROM: IslamicAnswers.com: Assalam Alleikum. I am a 24 yr old married as a 2nd wife with 2 kids. My husband apparently is so scared of his first wife & denies me my equal marriage rights. It has been more than 3 years ever since we got married and he hasn't even begun to share the days or nights, and the first wife knows that he is married to me.
ReplyDeleteHe comes to me secretly lying to his first wife that he is at work and only sleeps with me then leaves immediately after he is satisfied. Sometimes i hardly see him for even weeks and it really tears me apart.I have tried talking to him a million times telling him how much it is affecting me with my kids but he never seems to bother so communication with him so far has failed. I have even threatened him several times telling him what he is doing to me n the kids is haram, still he doesnt care. And the first wife knows perfectly well that he got married to me but she is against him sharing the days and my husband is stuck to her decision.
I am so frustrated and depressed beyond words could explain! What should I do now that communication with him has failed? Should I seek divorce? I would love to see my kids grow with their father but what if its never going to happen? What do i have to do? Am so confused and would like an expert advice because my marriage is deteriorating. Please advice!
Wael's Answer:
Dear Sister, As-salamu alaykum wa Rahmatullah,
He is simply using you for sex. He is devoid of any Islamic character or human compassion. As long as you continue to sleep with him when he comes around, why should he care about your complaints and anguish? You are giving him what he wants.
The thing I don't understand is why you have remained in this miserable non-marriag for so long. Does he support you and the children financially? Are you dependent on his support? In that case you are in a difficult position. I would advise you to try to find work or some way to support yourself, so that you can get out of this situation. Or perhaps you can move back with your family.
If you are not dependent on him financially, then my advice is to divorce him. This so-called marriage is going nowhere and is giving you nothing but heartbreak. He has made it clear that he does not care about your feelings and does not intend to change.
And Allah knows best.
If any readers have some additional advice for this questioner, I invite you to post your comments below.
(O Allah), Guide us to the straight path; The path of those whom you have favored; Not those with whom you are angry; Nor those who go astray.
Best regards,
- Wael Abdelgawad
IslamicAnswers.com Marriage Advice
Zawaj.com Muslim Matrimonial Service
From: Borneo Post
ReplyDeletePolygamous marriage – a way of life?
By Irene C and Arveena M
Muslim man who is considering polygamy, should think about it carefully before making decision: Fadillah
KUCHING: People here seem to have mixed reactions towards the practice of polygamous marriage.
THEIR VIEWS: (From left clockwise) Datuk Daud Abdul Rahman, Fadillah Yusof, Ismail Buang, Siti Norhafiz, Ponny Murthi, Iwan Dasri and Zamri Kifle.
The majority of those interviewed by The Borneo Post on the subject were aware of the practice, but did not think it should be a way of life unless it has strong justification.
Polygamy is having multiple partners in a marriage at the same time. In Islam a husband can have up to four wives.
Assistant Minister in the Chief Minister’s Department (Islamic Affairs) Datuk Daud Abdul Rahman said polygamy was allowed by Islam, but not encouraged.
“To have a polygamous marriage, several conditions are to be met in accordance with the Syariah law.
“For example, the husband must treat all wives equally and secondly, the first wife is not to be neglected,” Daud said.
Deputy Science, Technology and Innovation Minister Fadillah Yusof felt that any man who was considering polygamy, should think about it carefully and do some soul searching before making a decision.
“It is an issue that ties and integrates a man’s physical and spiritual needs to his financial soundness,” said Fadillah.
“So it is advisable that men take the time to consider their options and choose wisely,” he stressed.
A controversial Ikhwan Polygamy Club article in the New Straits Times took the spotlight on Sunday for promoting polygamy by urging all Muslim women to open their hearts to polygamous marriages, stating that polygamy is beautiful and is for all.
The spokesperson for the club, Hatijah Aam, said women have nine ‘nafsu’ (internal desires) and one intellect whereas men have nine intellects and one ‘nafsu’.
“God allows polygamy to challenge women to control their desires,” she said, adding: “When the husband hurts them by taking another wife, their ‘nafsu’ is challenged and curbed and this makes them better people. A woman when left to her desires becomes very dangerous like a tiger. In fact, even fiercer than that. If the world is left to women, we will be open to continuous war.
Self-employed Ismail Buang, 31, believed that one wife is good enough for him.
He expressed his contentment with his wife, adding that both husband and wife should give emphasis to loyalty.
“If the wife knows how to express herself well to her husband as well as takes good care of him by attending to his needs, there would be no reason at all for men to take a second wife and so on,” he said.
He added that although the option is there for Muslim men to take more than one wife, he would not consider it.
According to 34-year-old Zamri Kifle, the issue could be looked at in two ways.
“A polygamous marriage can be a beautiful thing indeed.
“When you love your wife and she feels the same, polygamy allows you to avoid cheating your wife. It’s based on honesty,” he said when interviewed.
Iwan Dasri, 41, said Islam did allow men to get married four times, but people were abusing it.
They are using it more for their own convenience, he said.
“Men seem to think polygamy is an opportunity of sorts. Whereas when our Prophet did it (polygamy), it was to take care of the welfare of the unfortunate women back then,” he added.
He also said desire, be it men’s or women’s, were up to the individual to control or be controlled by it.
“I am a divorcee for some time now. For me, it is enough if I have one woman to take care of me. It should not be a physical attribution only,” he explained.
Continued...
ReplyDeleteAn Indian national, Ponny Murthi, 35, a cook, also agrees that one man should marry one woman only.
“The beauty of a family is when the family consists of one man and one woman. Sometimes, having multiple partners will affect both husband and wife and may cause the family institution to crumble,” he added.
For some people nowadays, if they are financially capable, they perceive that all is possible, Ponny said.
“It is only natural that most women will reject the idea of a polygamous marriage,” said Siti Norhafiza, 22.
Women will be protective over their men and do not want to share them with another woman, she said.
“Should this happen to me, first and foremost the husband will be questioned on his capability of looking after the addition to the family, and not compromise my position in the family, said Siti, who is a purchasing assistant in Serdang in Selangor.
“Secondly, I will ask my husband if he still loves me to ascertain the situation I will be getting myself into,” she added.
Ikhwan Polygamy Club co-founded by Hatijah was declared an illegal movement in August 1994 by The National Fatwa Council.
The Al-Arqam serves to revive the movement by the group’s teachings and beliefs that were found to be against Islam.
The club was formed in August and was said to be actively recruiting new members through its activities.
Hatijah quoted that the 300 families and 900 individuals enrolled in the club, are all part of the Global Ikhwan Sdn Bhd group.
The public were cautioned by Islamic Development Department (Jakim) director-general Datuk Wan Mohamad Sheikh Abdul Aziz not fall for their facade.
He also said its co-founder also Hatijah’s husband, Ashaari Muhamad’s modus operandi is to use this as a front in an attempt to re-kindle life into the proscribed deviant sect.
“We view the existence of the club as proof of Ashaari’s Al-Arqam,” he told the News Straits Times on Monday.
psycologist?hmmm
ReplyDeleteDear Dato Dr Mat Saat Baki,
ReplyDeleteGood day to you Dato.
I am Dr Satnam, Clinical Psychiatrist in Hospital Bahagia Ulu Kinta, Tg Rambutan.
We are planning to have Perak Mental Health Convention from 8th to 10th October 2012.
We would be very grateful if Dato could be a speaker in one of our symposiums with the theme "Happy Family".
We would very much appreciate your reply.
My contact no is 05 53323333
or my email is satnam0@yahoo.com